Trust is an Illusion

From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/  

Trust is an illusion.

There is a natural human need for trust in relationships, which is really a need for security. Just as natural as this need for security is the fact that the experience eludes us in so many ways. Every person in your life will fail you at some point, shredding your trust, and tearing away the illusions of a perfect relationship. Most people are very sensitive to breeches of trust in relationships; and most people crave relationships that are perfectly secure.

In my last blog entry I discussed how important it is to do life together. It’s really the only thing we need to be human, outside of food and shelter. We’re not created to be alone, but that can be difficult if we can’t fully trust each other. The illusiveness of trust does not mean that we cannot enjoy life together.

If you haven’t noticed, people are selfish and focus first on actions of self-interest. Altruism is a ridiculous idea; unless, you can tolerate mistrust. Doing life together means establishing boundaries around how you will allow others to treat you. It is equally important to establish virtuous principles and actions about how you will treat others.

I can only give myself in any relationship. Not my false self or in any false role, I can only be me, selfish and broken. I can, though, give me; even though you will break my trust. I can accept myself and you; and decide to do life with you despite our mutual limitations and failures. It will cost us a lot, and we will need to give grace often. Knowing that broken trust is inevitable, I don’t need you to be perfect, and I can’t be all that you want me to be. I can dedicate myself to you in a relationship where we work through our differences, forgive our failures, and commit ourselves to do life together.

My wife has failed me. Pastors have failed me. Friends have failed me. Business partners have failed me. It doesn’t feel very rewarding when trust is broken. That does not mean that I have to withdraw from the relationship. Love does cover a multitude of sin, but it requires that I and you push past broken trust…

Thankfully, that is what Jesus does for us. To help you understand more here’s an excerpt from something I wrote before:

Managing expectations with another broken person is really about creating a manageable relationship. There is just no realistic way to ensure that every plan or desire will be fulfilled. If we build our security on plans and desires, we will most surely be disappointed. We can, however, build our security on a solid relationship. We can find surety regardless of failed plans (realistically, of course), trusting that a solid relationship will survive any failure of expectations. There are two core areas to address when building a manageable relationship: make sure the relationship is built on authenticity (I’ll be honest with you), and make sure the relationship is built on collaboration (we’re in this together).

Expectations, for most people, begin to form long before any change event occurs. Dependability and trust, as the relationship builds, are very important factors, especially for a person who has experienced significant tragedy in life. Repeated disappointment has taught a broken person to monitor the behaviors of others, and to give complete trust only rarely. They live in tension, preparing for relational failures. When expectations within a relationship change, their first inclination is to assume that a relational failure has occurred, which sends them into their defensive patterns—that are always at the ready. To the deeply broken, a failed relational expectation can be interpreted to mean that the other person “did this on purpose.” If they are assured of a solid relationship, you will give them a platform on which to metabolize inevitable change.

A solid relationship with a complicated person is built very slowly, and is totally dependent on faithful collaboration and authenticity. Building a trusting, collaborative relationship begins with our first words. When relationships begin, friends and caregivers are often tempted to go too far in their promises and stated ideals. We’re all broken people and we can’t be with them no matter what, and there will be times when we will let each other down. When I conduct therapy with broken people, they often have great difficulty with trust, and they orchestrate different encounters to test my trustworthiness. I know how important that trust and security is for all of us, and I know my limitations. Whenever their trust needs become verbalized in some fashion, I immediately set our mutual reality in the truth that, “I’m going to fail you. It is inevitable. But, we will work through that failure if you’ll stick with me. In fact, working through that experience may be the best thing we do together.”

If we start with that truth, then whatever we say and do will be more reliable, because it’s real. You can be empathic and authentic at the same time. Sometimes it’s not the best thing for you or them to fulfill every demand. People will respect you far more for telling them truth that you can sustain. They will easily recognize the unrealistic promises; they’ve had all that before. Authenticity will help them establish manageable expectations in the relationship. On the other hand, hollow promises will likely increase their anxiety, leading them to set up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will set up circumstances such that they will cause you to fail in your unrealistic promises. Complicated and broken people often expect relational failures, and they are very talented with self-fulfilling prophecy.

A solid collaborative and trusting relationship is based on authenticity. “We’re in this together, so I need to be honest with myself and you . . .” Being appeased is the last thing a broken and complicated person wants, even if they ask you for unrealistic things in the relationship. Give them the gift of the real you. If you need to say no, do so in a caring fashion. “I realize that ‘this’ is important to you, but I really can’t do that. It just doesn’t fit in my life, and I don’t want to promise something I couldn’t fulfill.” They may get a little upset, but you will be their champion of dependability because of your sustainable openness. Plus, you will have validated your own boundaries.

When you’re in a relationship, it is easier to manage expectations if each person is part of setting the expectations. “Listen, this is what I was thinking . . . What would work for you?” Or, “I really need such and such. I know that’s not what you need. So maybe it would be best for us to give each other permission to do our own thing in this case. What do you think?” This kind of collaborative goal-setting strengthens a relationship, and no one has to carry more than their share of the relational load. It also builds a reality into the relationship that we’re equal but different, and that’s okay. That is so healthy for any relationship, especially for a person who has been traumatized for being different.

You can’t manage unexpected changes or disappointments, but by using collaboration, you can manage a relationship through anything unexpected. When you are in a position to manage your relationships, there are a few basic rules that spin off from solid mutually determined relational goals.

1) If I know, I will tell you, and we can adjust. Forewarning is security, like knowledge is power.

2) We can talk through anything. Unexpected changes are more difficult to metabolize. More time and discussion will be needed. The first thing people do when expectations change is to feel (react with anxiety, anger, or shock, for example). Unrecognized and repressed feelings paralyze. By taking time to think about and process the emotional content, everyone will better traverse the change.

3) The better I know you, the better we can relate. If you are aware of internal expectations—those vital “security making” or “insecurity creating” patterns in people—then you can adjust your responses, and help them adjust their expectations. I know my wife is deeply affected by change, so I let her know as early as possible when change is coming, and I forewarn her of what she may experience. She’s not a difficult person, but having someone who recognizes and responds based on her internal dynamics helps her manage her emotions and keeps me out of trouble. (excerpt from Beyond Fig Leaves & Bushes)

You can send your questions to allen@vitalsources.org, or you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.