Doing Life Together

From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/  


There is absolutely no doubt that a family who does life together, openly and fully, is healthy, wealthy, and wise. I saw a wonderful site that proved my point this morning.

I was out doing my own snow shoveling, 24 inches and still coming down, when I looked across the street at one of the many men shoveling his sidewalk and driveway. I had a brief thought, “Wives need their husband’s help, these days, to manage modern households. I wonder if wives ever think to help their husband with things like shoveling snow.” I was thinking about putting that question to my facebook friends. Wouldn’t that stir up the battle over gender roles? I like to stir up trouble, probably too much.

Then I looked over again at my neighbor, after hearing laughter and increased activity. I saw dad, mom, son, and dog in the driveway doing life together. Okay, the dog wasn’t helping much. I was very impressed and amazed at the same time. Then I thought, “But, who’s going to cook the pancakes?” That’s not sexist; I cook a mean pancake, too. I was just hungry.

I work with many men individually and couples together. Common topics are communication, parenting, and sexuality. In fact, if a couple is at odds with each other those are the most common symptoms. My clients want to focus on those topics, and are arguing about who is right in their perspective. After they vent for a while, I find that their real problem is that they aren’t doing life well together. For most clients, that’s a strange concept, doing life together. It’s common, but most people are in relationships to have their own needs met; the concept of actually joining, becoming one with another person is only rarely understood. Even more exceptional is a couple actually doing life together; no longer me and you, but me with you, we, our... Intellectually people know the concept, but living the life of “we” is much more than a fairy tale.

Ask someone, anyone, why that want a companion and/or family. The answer will have to do with “not being alone” and “having someone to share life with”. Every other thing in life aside, nothing matters more. At the root of many people’s depressions is the fact that this need has not been fulfilled or is threatened. You cannot be fulfilled as a singular person; you must have friends, companions, and family. Relationships can be formed in any number of shapes, but you and I are created for “we”.

Whether I’m working with a guy or a couple there are a few themes that most always need to be addressed:

• Broken Trust – which is inevitable in any relationship
• Sincere and responsible care for the other person – a realization that joining in a relationship means taking responsibility to mutually care for one another
• Vulnerability – the façades have to fall to the ground, it’s what you want anyway
• Acceptance of differences – you love someone different than you and that takes patience and work.
• Support of dreams – individuality and interdependence are two undeniable and intertwined realities of relationships

In my next few blogs, I’ll address each one these themes. I’d like to hear your thoughts about how you experience these relational aspects, the positives and the negatives. Make a comment on my facebook page, join as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, or send your comment to me at allen@vitalsources.org. I look forward to hearing from you.

Oh, crap, all the snow from my roof just fell down onto my nicely cleared stoop and sidewalk! Futility, futility, what is this all for!? Doing life together, of course.