From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
Sublimation is essential in relationships. Sublimation is the irreplaceable heart of grace. Sublimation is that act of taking pain, disillusionment, or discontent and focusing it into an act of care for another. As a psychological defense, sublimation is the only defense of “self” that serves a higher purpose than selfishness.
Tonight I’m using sublimation as my motivation. As I write under the burden of relational loss and want, I am using that soul energy to encourage you to “Care for the One’s You Love”. The act I’m talking about isn’t a pop love song, or a happily ever after Hollywood script. It’s not poetry or a love story. Caring for the one’s you love is about sacrifice. It’s about giving when you’re receiving nothing, loving when you’re hurting, and being concerned even when you’re misunderstood.
I’ve been writing about the “work” of relationship. My first entry on the topic was “Doing Life Together”; suggesting that nothing matters more than being with, acting with, and loving the one’s with whom you live. Even though complete “Trust is an Illusion” and the people in your life will disappoint you, you and I need each other.
You husband or wife, friends and family, they need you to care. Humanity needs you to take responsibility for the experiences of others. You may, actually, not be able to meet their needs; some of those needs are unhealthy or can’t be satisfied by you. You can care; you can show awareness. You can exclaim to the people in your life that they matter to you, adjust your wants and activities to account for their needs, and show that they are an important part of your life.
Answer this, when you think of me and “?”, who are those other people? Those are the people that define your life, that define your purpose, and that define your relational responsibility. We are not in relationships to receive. If you want relational satisfaction, sublimate your hurt and even your loss to care for another person.
“The journey I [am inviting] you to undertake is no small task, and is costly to your individualistic way of life. Paradoxically, it is also the only way to make life rewarding. We are created to give ourselves in relationship. It’s a selfish thing, if you think about it. Yes, to get, you give. Not as barter—you give yourself as a gift, freely. Giving yourself as a gift in relationship is how you become fulfilled in life. We are more blessed when we give than when we receive. The reward you feel when you actually sacrifice for another person is truly more en-joy-able and substantial at a deep soul level than any experience in which you receive.
The act of giving yourself for another person is also more costly than when you receive; but anything worthwhile comes with a cost. So, from our standpoint, the paraphrased passage should read, “I’m coming to you who are broken and complicated, in my own broken way. I am coming to join you on your journey and yoke myself to you as we carry life’s burdens together (if you’ll let me). By this you will know that love is real, redemption is possible, and my joy shall be made full.” Come to think of it, that is what Jesus did; he became broken for us.
I’m suggesting that our lives can only be substantiated by the relational connections we make along the way. The worth of each person’s life journey is not measured by the destination. Our destination is assured by Jesus’ work on the cross. Why he has left us “along the way” of life is so we can grow in the certainty of his love and bring others along as we move closer to that end he has secured. I’m suggesting that when we hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21), it will not be because we have lived a sinless life. It will not be for our temporal accomplishments. He will measure our faithfulness by our willingness to let the fig leaves and bushes fall to the ground, and our ability to love and be loved.
We are already on this journey. We have generations of relationships formed all around us. I’m just suggesting that we focus our souls together with healing purpose. Our relational interactions have the potential to carry the grace of Christ. Sacred relationship is hard work, but all else is wood, hay, and stubble. You are created and called to be in relationship; nothing else can make you satisfied.” (Excerpt from Beyond Fig Leaves & Bushes)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Trust is an Illusion
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
Trust is an illusion.
There is a natural human need for trust in relationships, which is really a need for security. Just as natural as this need for security is the fact that the experience eludes us in so many ways. Every person in your life will fail you at some point, shredding your trust, and tearing away the illusions of a perfect relationship. Most people are very sensitive to breeches of trust in relationships; and most people crave relationships that are perfectly secure.
In my last blog entry I discussed how important it is to do life together. It’s really the only thing we need to be human, outside of food and shelter. We’re not created to be alone, but that can be difficult if we can’t fully trust each other. The illusiveness of trust does not mean that we cannot enjoy life together.
If you haven’t noticed, people are selfish and focus first on actions of self-interest. Altruism is a ridiculous idea; unless, you can tolerate mistrust. Doing life together means establishing boundaries around how you will allow others to treat you. It is equally important to establish virtuous principles and actions about how you will treat others.
I can only give myself in any relationship. Not my false self or in any false role, I can only be me, selfish and broken. I can, though, give me; even though you will break my trust. I can accept myself and you; and decide to do life with you despite our mutual limitations and failures. It will cost us a lot, and we will need to give grace often. Knowing that broken trust is inevitable, I don’t need you to be perfect, and I can’t be all that you want me to be. I can dedicate myself to you in a relationship where we work through our differences, forgive our failures, and commit ourselves to do life together.
My wife has failed me. Pastors have failed me. Friends have failed me. Business partners have failed me. It doesn’t feel very rewarding when trust is broken. That does not mean that I have to withdraw from the relationship. Love does cover a multitude of sin, but it requires that I and you push past broken trust…
Thankfully, that is what Jesus does for us. To help you understand more here’s an excerpt from something I wrote before:
Managing expectations with another broken person is really about creating a manageable relationship. There is just no realistic way to ensure that every plan or desire will be fulfilled. If we build our security on plans and desires, we will most surely be disappointed. We can, however, build our security on a solid relationship. We can find surety regardless of failed plans (realistically, of course), trusting that a solid relationship will survive any failure of expectations. There are two core areas to address when building a manageable relationship: make sure the relationship is built on authenticity (I’ll be honest with you), and make sure the relationship is built on collaboration (we’re in this together).
Expectations, for most people, begin to form long before any change event occurs. Dependability and trust, as the relationship builds, are very important factors, especially for a person who has experienced significant tragedy in life. Repeated disappointment has taught a broken person to monitor the behaviors of others, and to give complete trust only rarely. They live in tension, preparing for relational failures. When expectations within a relationship change, their first inclination is to assume that a relational failure has occurred, which sends them into their defensive patterns—that are always at the ready. To the deeply broken, a failed relational expectation can be interpreted to mean that the other person “did this on purpose.” If they are assured of a solid relationship, you will give them a platform on which to metabolize inevitable change.
A solid relationship with a complicated person is built very slowly, and is totally dependent on faithful collaboration and authenticity. Building a trusting, collaborative relationship begins with our first words. When relationships begin, friends and caregivers are often tempted to go too far in their promises and stated ideals. We’re all broken people and we can’t be with them no matter what, and there will be times when we will let each other down. When I conduct therapy with broken people, they often have great difficulty with trust, and they orchestrate different encounters to test my trustworthiness. I know how important that trust and security is for all of us, and I know my limitations. Whenever their trust needs become verbalized in some fashion, I immediately set our mutual reality in the truth that, “I’m going to fail you. It is inevitable. But, we will work through that failure if you’ll stick with me. In fact, working through that experience may be the best thing we do together.”
If we start with that truth, then whatever we say and do will be more reliable, because it’s real. You can be empathic and authentic at the same time. Sometimes it’s not the best thing for you or them to fulfill every demand. People will respect you far more for telling them truth that you can sustain. They will easily recognize the unrealistic promises; they’ve had all that before. Authenticity will help them establish manageable expectations in the relationship. On the other hand, hollow promises will likely increase their anxiety, leading them to set up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will set up circumstances such that they will cause you to fail in your unrealistic promises. Complicated and broken people often expect relational failures, and they are very talented with self-fulfilling prophecy.
A solid collaborative and trusting relationship is based on authenticity. “We’re in this together, so I need to be honest with myself and you . . .” Being appeased is the last thing a broken and complicated person wants, even if they ask you for unrealistic things in the relationship. Give them the gift of the real you. If you need to say no, do so in a caring fashion. “I realize that ‘this’ is important to you, but I really can’t do that. It just doesn’t fit in my life, and I don’t want to promise something I couldn’t fulfill.” They may get a little upset, but you will be their champion of dependability because of your sustainable openness. Plus, you will have validated your own boundaries.
When you’re in a relationship, it is easier to manage expectations if each person is part of setting the expectations. “Listen, this is what I was thinking . . . What would work for you?” Or, “I really need such and such. I know that’s not what you need. So maybe it would be best for us to give each other permission to do our own thing in this case. What do you think?” This kind of collaborative goal-setting strengthens a relationship, and no one has to carry more than their share of the relational load. It also builds a reality into the relationship that we’re equal but different, and that’s okay. That is so healthy for any relationship, especially for a person who has been traumatized for being different.
You can’t manage unexpected changes or disappointments, but by using collaboration, you can manage a relationship through anything unexpected. When you are in a position to manage your relationships, there are a few basic rules that spin off from solid mutually determined relational goals.
1) If I know, I will tell you, and we can adjust. Forewarning is security, like knowledge is power.
2) We can talk through anything. Unexpected changes are more difficult to metabolize. More time and discussion will be needed. The first thing people do when expectations change is to feel (react with anxiety, anger, or shock, for example). Unrecognized and repressed feelings paralyze. By taking time to think about and process the emotional content, everyone will better traverse the change.
3) The better I know you, the better we can relate. If you are aware of internal expectations—those vital “security making” or “insecurity creating” patterns in people—then you can adjust your responses, and help them adjust their expectations. I know my wife is deeply affected by change, so I let her know as early as possible when change is coming, and I forewarn her of what she may experience. She’s not a difficult person, but having someone who recognizes and responds based on her internal dynamics helps her manage her emotions and keeps me out of trouble. (excerpt from Beyond Fig Leaves & Bushes)
You can send your questions to allen@vitalsources.org, or you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
Trust is an illusion.
There is a natural human need for trust in relationships, which is really a need for security. Just as natural as this need for security is the fact that the experience eludes us in so many ways. Every person in your life will fail you at some point, shredding your trust, and tearing away the illusions of a perfect relationship. Most people are very sensitive to breeches of trust in relationships; and most people crave relationships that are perfectly secure.
In my last blog entry I discussed how important it is to do life together. It’s really the only thing we need to be human, outside of food and shelter. We’re not created to be alone, but that can be difficult if we can’t fully trust each other. The illusiveness of trust does not mean that we cannot enjoy life together.
If you haven’t noticed, people are selfish and focus first on actions of self-interest. Altruism is a ridiculous idea; unless, you can tolerate mistrust. Doing life together means establishing boundaries around how you will allow others to treat you. It is equally important to establish virtuous principles and actions about how you will treat others.
I can only give myself in any relationship. Not my false self or in any false role, I can only be me, selfish and broken. I can, though, give me; even though you will break my trust. I can accept myself and you; and decide to do life with you despite our mutual limitations and failures. It will cost us a lot, and we will need to give grace often. Knowing that broken trust is inevitable, I don’t need you to be perfect, and I can’t be all that you want me to be. I can dedicate myself to you in a relationship where we work through our differences, forgive our failures, and commit ourselves to do life together.
My wife has failed me. Pastors have failed me. Friends have failed me. Business partners have failed me. It doesn’t feel very rewarding when trust is broken. That does not mean that I have to withdraw from the relationship. Love does cover a multitude of sin, but it requires that I and you push past broken trust…
Thankfully, that is what Jesus does for us. To help you understand more here’s an excerpt from something I wrote before:
Managing expectations with another broken person is really about creating a manageable relationship. There is just no realistic way to ensure that every plan or desire will be fulfilled. If we build our security on plans and desires, we will most surely be disappointed. We can, however, build our security on a solid relationship. We can find surety regardless of failed plans (realistically, of course), trusting that a solid relationship will survive any failure of expectations. There are two core areas to address when building a manageable relationship: make sure the relationship is built on authenticity (I’ll be honest with you), and make sure the relationship is built on collaboration (we’re in this together).
Expectations, for most people, begin to form long before any change event occurs. Dependability and trust, as the relationship builds, are very important factors, especially for a person who has experienced significant tragedy in life. Repeated disappointment has taught a broken person to monitor the behaviors of others, and to give complete trust only rarely. They live in tension, preparing for relational failures. When expectations within a relationship change, their first inclination is to assume that a relational failure has occurred, which sends them into their defensive patterns—that are always at the ready. To the deeply broken, a failed relational expectation can be interpreted to mean that the other person “did this on purpose.” If they are assured of a solid relationship, you will give them a platform on which to metabolize inevitable change.
A solid relationship with a complicated person is built very slowly, and is totally dependent on faithful collaboration and authenticity. Building a trusting, collaborative relationship begins with our first words. When relationships begin, friends and caregivers are often tempted to go too far in their promises and stated ideals. We’re all broken people and we can’t be with them no matter what, and there will be times when we will let each other down. When I conduct therapy with broken people, they often have great difficulty with trust, and they orchestrate different encounters to test my trustworthiness. I know how important that trust and security is for all of us, and I know my limitations. Whenever their trust needs become verbalized in some fashion, I immediately set our mutual reality in the truth that, “I’m going to fail you. It is inevitable. But, we will work through that failure if you’ll stick with me. In fact, working through that experience may be the best thing we do together.”
If we start with that truth, then whatever we say and do will be more reliable, because it’s real. You can be empathic and authentic at the same time. Sometimes it’s not the best thing for you or them to fulfill every demand. People will respect you far more for telling them truth that you can sustain. They will easily recognize the unrealistic promises; they’ve had all that before. Authenticity will help them establish manageable expectations in the relationship. On the other hand, hollow promises will likely increase their anxiety, leading them to set up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will set up circumstances such that they will cause you to fail in your unrealistic promises. Complicated and broken people often expect relational failures, and they are very talented with self-fulfilling prophecy.
A solid collaborative and trusting relationship is based on authenticity. “We’re in this together, so I need to be honest with myself and you . . .” Being appeased is the last thing a broken and complicated person wants, even if they ask you for unrealistic things in the relationship. Give them the gift of the real you. If you need to say no, do so in a caring fashion. “I realize that ‘this’ is important to you, but I really can’t do that. It just doesn’t fit in my life, and I don’t want to promise something I couldn’t fulfill.” They may get a little upset, but you will be their champion of dependability because of your sustainable openness. Plus, you will have validated your own boundaries.
When you’re in a relationship, it is easier to manage expectations if each person is part of setting the expectations. “Listen, this is what I was thinking . . . What would work for you?” Or, “I really need such and such. I know that’s not what you need. So maybe it would be best for us to give each other permission to do our own thing in this case. What do you think?” This kind of collaborative goal-setting strengthens a relationship, and no one has to carry more than their share of the relational load. It also builds a reality into the relationship that we’re equal but different, and that’s okay. That is so healthy for any relationship, especially for a person who has been traumatized for being different.
You can’t manage unexpected changes or disappointments, but by using collaboration, you can manage a relationship through anything unexpected. When you are in a position to manage your relationships, there are a few basic rules that spin off from solid mutually determined relational goals.
1) If I know, I will tell you, and we can adjust. Forewarning is security, like knowledge is power.
2) We can talk through anything. Unexpected changes are more difficult to metabolize. More time and discussion will be needed. The first thing people do when expectations change is to feel (react with anxiety, anger, or shock, for example). Unrecognized and repressed feelings paralyze. By taking time to think about and process the emotional content, everyone will better traverse the change.
3) The better I know you, the better we can relate. If you are aware of internal expectations—those vital “security making” or “insecurity creating” patterns in people—then you can adjust your responses, and help them adjust their expectations. I know my wife is deeply affected by change, so I let her know as early as possible when change is coming, and I forewarn her of what she may experience. She’s not a difficult person, but having someone who recognizes and responds based on her internal dynamics helps her manage her emotions and keeps me out of trouble. (excerpt from Beyond Fig Leaves & Bushes)
You can send your questions to allen@vitalsources.org, or you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Doing Life Together
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
There is absolutely no doubt that a family who does life together, openly and fully, is healthy, wealthy, and wise. I saw a wonderful site that proved my point this morning.
I was out doing my own snow shoveling, 24 inches and still coming down, when I looked across the street at one of the many men shoveling his sidewalk and driveway. I had a brief thought, “Wives need their husband’s help, these days, to manage modern households. I wonder if wives ever think to help their husband with things like shoveling snow.” I was thinking about putting that question to my facebook friends. Wouldn’t that stir up the battle over gender roles? I like to stir up trouble, probably too much.
Then I looked over again at my neighbor, after hearing laughter and increased activity. I saw dad, mom, son, and dog in the driveway doing life together. Okay, the dog wasn’t helping much. I was very impressed and amazed at the same time. Then I thought, “But, who’s going to cook the pancakes?” That’s not sexist; I cook a mean pancake, too. I was just hungry.
I work with many men individually and couples together. Common topics are communication, parenting, and sexuality. In fact, if a couple is at odds with each other those are the most common symptoms. My clients want to focus on those topics, and are arguing about who is right in their perspective. After they vent for a while, I find that their real problem is that they aren’t doing life well together. For most clients, that’s a strange concept, doing life together. It’s common, but most people are in relationships to have their own needs met; the concept of actually joining, becoming one with another person is only rarely understood. Even more exceptional is a couple actually doing life together; no longer me and you, but me with you, we, our... Intellectually people know the concept, but living the life of “we” is much more than a fairy tale.
Ask someone, anyone, why that want a companion and/or family. The answer will have to do with “not being alone” and “having someone to share life with”. Every other thing in life aside, nothing matters more. At the root of many people’s depressions is the fact that this need has not been fulfilled or is threatened. You cannot be fulfilled as a singular person; you must have friends, companions, and family. Relationships can be formed in any number of shapes, but you and I are created for “we”.
Whether I’m working with a guy or a couple there are a few themes that most always need to be addressed:
• Broken Trust – which is inevitable in any relationship
• Sincere and responsible care for the other person – a realization that joining in a relationship means taking responsibility to mutually care for one another
• Vulnerability – the façades have to fall to the ground, it’s what you want anyway
• Acceptance of differences – you love someone different than you and that takes patience and work.
• Support of dreams – individuality and interdependence are two undeniable and intertwined realities of relationships
In my next few blogs, I’ll address each one these themes. I’d like to hear your thoughts about how you experience these relational aspects, the positives and the negatives. Make a comment on my facebook page, join as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, or send your comment to me at allen@vitalsources.org. I look forward to hearing from you.
Oh, crap, all the snow from my roof just fell down onto my nicely cleared stoop and sidewalk! Futility, futility, what is this all for!? Doing life together, of course.
There is absolutely no doubt that a family who does life together, openly and fully, is healthy, wealthy, and wise. I saw a wonderful site that proved my point this morning.
I was out doing my own snow shoveling, 24 inches and still coming down, when I looked across the street at one of the many men shoveling his sidewalk and driveway. I had a brief thought, “Wives need their husband’s help, these days, to manage modern households. I wonder if wives ever think to help their husband with things like shoveling snow.” I was thinking about putting that question to my facebook friends. Wouldn’t that stir up the battle over gender roles? I like to stir up trouble, probably too much.
Then I looked over again at my neighbor, after hearing laughter and increased activity. I saw dad, mom, son, and dog in the driveway doing life together. Okay, the dog wasn’t helping much. I was very impressed and amazed at the same time. Then I thought, “But, who’s going to cook the pancakes?” That’s not sexist; I cook a mean pancake, too. I was just hungry.
I work with many men individually and couples together. Common topics are communication, parenting, and sexuality. In fact, if a couple is at odds with each other those are the most common symptoms. My clients want to focus on those topics, and are arguing about who is right in their perspective. After they vent for a while, I find that their real problem is that they aren’t doing life well together. For most clients, that’s a strange concept, doing life together. It’s common, but most people are in relationships to have their own needs met; the concept of actually joining, becoming one with another person is only rarely understood. Even more exceptional is a couple actually doing life together; no longer me and you, but me with you, we, our... Intellectually people know the concept, but living the life of “we” is much more than a fairy tale.
Ask someone, anyone, why that want a companion and/or family. The answer will have to do with “not being alone” and “having someone to share life with”. Every other thing in life aside, nothing matters more. At the root of many people’s depressions is the fact that this need has not been fulfilled or is threatened. You cannot be fulfilled as a singular person; you must have friends, companions, and family. Relationships can be formed in any number of shapes, but you and I are created for “we”.
Whether I’m working with a guy or a couple there are a few themes that most always need to be addressed:
• Broken Trust – which is inevitable in any relationship
• Sincere and responsible care for the other person – a realization that joining in a relationship means taking responsibility to mutually care for one another
• Vulnerability – the façades have to fall to the ground, it’s what you want anyway
• Acceptance of differences – you love someone different than you and that takes patience and work.
• Support of dreams – individuality and interdependence are two undeniable and intertwined realities of relationships
In my next few blogs, I’ll address each one these themes. I’d like to hear your thoughts about how you experience these relational aspects, the positives and the negatives. Make a comment on my facebook page, join as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, or send your comment to me at allen@vitalsources.org. I look forward to hearing from you.
Oh, crap, all the snow from my roof just fell down onto my nicely cleared stoop and sidewalk! Futility, futility, what is this all for!? Doing life together, of course.
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