From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
It’s such an old fashion phrase, being equally yoked. Still the principle stands true for anyone looking to enter a healthy marriage relationship. One of my young adult friends wants me to write about the topic of finding and/or creating a healthy relationship, which could lead to marriage. That brings up another old fashion phrase, finding a good mate. What are we animals?
Before you start responding with the modern philosophy about the antiquity of marriage or before you think that I’m about to provide the typical self-righteous christian (little “c”) should’s and ought’s about marriage, let me own up to the fact that I know personally the path and the cost of a failed marriage.
A healthy marriage is far more than just doing the right thing; but there are some right things that lead to healthy marriage. I’ve written several blog entries about marriage which will help anyone already married. This entry is for those thinking about marriage.
Romance is a huge part of good relationships. In fact without romance relationships won’t be created let alone maintain. But, romance is the spark and there has to be real relational potential between two people if a marriage is to be a success. Romance alone never predicted a good healthy marriage. In fact, Hollywood has made billions of dollars on the plot of star-crossed lovers. If you’re planning to marry because of romance alone, good luck; you’re likely making a poor decision.
There is a huge predictor of which marriages will likely end in divorce. There are many, actually, but one stands out as a predominant factor. People who marry before they are 25 years old are far more likely to divorce than people marrying after age 25. I think it’s because we don’t really know anything about ourselves at that point in life; so, how could we possibly make good decisions about a mate who fits us well.
You might not know, but the human brain isn’t even fully developed until around age 25. It’s true; the frontal lobes of the brain continue to develop well past adolescence and aren’t completely matured until the mid-twenties. So, when you see young twenty-something’s making poor decisions; that’s par for the course. In fact, I wonder if my frontal lobes are even matured at age 46. The brain’s frontal lobes are the areas that manage decisions. It’s often referred to as the executive functioning part of the brain; executive as in executive decisions. Let me give you a few unhealthy decisions that most often don’t work out as a basis for getting married:
• I want to get out of my parent’s house and make my own decisions
• I have physical and emotional needs that I think this person will fulfill
• It feels like the natural thing to do and everyone else is doing it
• I don’t want to be alone
• We’re sexually active and I’m conflicted inside
People who decide to marry for unhealthy reasons most often decide to marry someone who isn’t a good match for them. In fact most in these situations marry someone based on a sense of personal deficit or low self-esteem. They marry someone and become unequally yoked. I’m not just referring to the fact that one partner may be a Christian and the other an unbeliever. There are many levels of matching and living life together. And, when we’re young we just don’t know ourselves; let alone who we’ll become.
There are many scenarios of how this comes about, both girl and boy versions. Either version starts with someone deciding to get married before they have matured in identity and self-confidence. This means that they decide on a mate, in part, out of a sense of limited self-confidence and without fully understanding the things that will be important to them as a person. They marry someone who is beneath them (not as a person, but as a match to them) or at least the “them” they will become. The result is the lack of self-knowledge and self-confidence leads them to settle for a mate who will eventually hold them back; and who they will eventually disrespect for being unequally matched as a mate. Many, many people end-up hating their spouse just for being the very same person who they chose to marry. What they’re really doing is projecting their dissatisfaction at being unequally yoked with their mate.
Here are a few good decisions on which to decide for a mate:
• What is (or will be) important to me as an intellectual person?
• What is or will be important to me socially?
• What are my life aspirations?
• What are the relational principles that are important to me?
Of course it starts with the warm fuzzes and hormones; that’s as it was created to be. You’re going to be doing life with this person and you want to be equipped with a mate who can do life with you as you are designed to live. It’s not that one way is better than another; it’s simply that a marriage is based in unity and unity is founded on being equally yoked intellectually, emotionally, and socially. I’m not saying being “the same”, that’s impossible. But, you do want to be playing in the same game at the same level.
I know too many married adults who have settled for less, or who have settled for “right now”, and have found themselves in very unfulfilled experiences in their marriage. And, when that marriage fails they go a do the same thing all over again.
I know people will continue to get married young. I just think we should at least add to the wedding vows, “I promise that I will grow and will need you to be capable of growing with me.” Maybe we could even add a little foresight before the vows. Without foresight many people end-up married to an unequally yoked mate.
Hope that helps, my friend.
You can send me a topic of interest to allen@newhopepps.org; or you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Dance of Change
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
I borrowed my blog title from organizational guru, Peter Senge. Call it a dance, a scramble, or just chaos change is often unwanted and challenging. I’ve had so much change in my life that I kind of thrive on the opportunity for something new; still I want that new thing (my new thing) to be predictable. The only thing that is truly predictable is change.
Even when people enjoy new things these have to be within a range of what we will accept, and that has to be within the realm of what we can possibly expect. Take any person outside of their comfort zone (that which they expect and accept) and you’ll see someone fall apart.
Sometimes falling apart is the needed action before something new, healing, and redeeming can happen. I’m amazed at how ardently people oppose falling apart. As if falling apart somehow means I’m less human than the next person. No, it just means I am human.
Christians especially feel the need to hold “it” together, even if “it” no longer has purpose and has stopped producing life. It is my “it” (normal) and I’ll protect my normal because it’s predictable. It is what I know; and the thing that I know is often less threatening than the thing that I don’t.
Be it organizational change, change in a family, or individual change the fear of the unknown is often the enemy of growth. So much so that I think God sometimes has to force us into calamity before we’ll accept change. Or, at least He doesn’t rescue us from disappointments in life when He knows it’s the only way we’ll let go and allow change, when it’s forced on us.
As Rascal Flats sang, “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you…” One thing you can count on is change. Another thing you can add to that is that the change will not be predictable. I can’t think of one biblical character/ hero who ended in the “place” that they first started towards.
It is one of the greatest challenges in my work, helping people accept change. People spend more energy and therefore experience more emotional strain trying to prevent change than is usually required by accepting the challenge of change. The first layer of depression and/or anxiety that people struggle with is usually based in the fear of the unknown; whether it’s the unknown of their emotions or the unknown of their circumstances.
I like the line in a song by Phillips, Craig, and Dean (A Place Called Grace), “When I fall, I will fall to the place where mercy reaches me.” Or, when change comes I want to meet it head on with the one who knows my tomorrow, the Alpha and the Omega.
If you have a question or topic you would like me to write about send it to me at allen@newhopepps.org. You can also register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
I borrowed my blog title from organizational guru, Peter Senge. Call it a dance, a scramble, or just chaos change is often unwanted and challenging. I’ve had so much change in my life that I kind of thrive on the opportunity for something new; still I want that new thing (my new thing) to be predictable. The only thing that is truly predictable is change.
Even when people enjoy new things these have to be within a range of what we will accept, and that has to be within the realm of what we can possibly expect. Take any person outside of their comfort zone (that which they expect and accept) and you’ll see someone fall apart.
Sometimes falling apart is the needed action before something new, healing, and redeeming can happen. I’m amazed at how ardently people oppose falling apart. As if falling apart somehow means I’m less human than the next person. No, it just means I am human.
Christians especially feel the need to hold “it” together, even if “it” no longer has purpose and has stopped producing life. It is my “it” (normal) and I’ll protect my normal because it’s predictable. It is what I know; and the thing that I know is often less threatening than the thing that I don’t.
Be it organizational change, change in a family, or individual change the fear of the unknown is often the enemy of growth. So much so that I think God sometimes has to force us into calamity before we’ll accept change. Or, at least He doesn’t rescue us from disappointments in life when He knows it’s the only way we’ll let go and allow change, when it’s forced on us.
As Rascal Flats sang, “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you…” One thing you can count on is change. Another thing you can add to that is that the change will not be predictable. I can’t think of one biblical character/ hero who ended in the “place” that they first started towards.
It is one of the greatest challenges in my work, helping people accept change. People spend more energy and therefore experience more emotional strain trying to prevent change than is usually required by accepting the challenge of change. The first layer of depression and/or anxiety that people struggle with is usually based in the fear of the unknown; whether it’s the unknown of their emotions or the unknown of their circumstances.
I like the line in a song by Phillips, Craig, and Dean (A Place Called Grace), “When I fall, I will fall to the place where mercy reaches me.” Or, when change comes I want to meet it head on with the one who knows my tomorrow, the Alpha and the Omega.
If you have a question or topic you would like me to write about send it to me at allen@newhopepps.org. You can also register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Workman is Worthy of His Hire
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
One of the neatest things that I like to do is to find out about a pastor’s need that isn’t being fulfilled by the church. It’s usually a financial issue and when possible I like to fulfill that need. I grew up in a pastor’s home and I know all too well the unfulfilled needs of a pastor’s family.
One Sunday afternoon during a church’s business meeting, we were hearing the annual financial report. Yawn, yawn… After the report the treasurer opened the floor for discussion. Most of the questions and statements had to do with what the church had spent during the past year. I asked a “why hasn’t the church spent” question. When I heard the report about the pastoral staff’s compensation package there was no mention of health insurance, retirement funding, or anything addressing the “other than daily financial needs” of the pastors and their families.
I asked why the church wasn’t paying for health insurance for the pastors and their families. I received several different answers from board members, and even the senior pastor. Essentially the response was, “we simply can’t afford to pay for health insurance”. I would have pressed the point, but a “we can’t afford NOT too” discussion broke out in the congregation. I love being an instigator. The reality that our pastors had unfulfilled needs stirred the passion of that congregation. Within 4 weeks the congregational offerings went up twenty percent.
It is too easy to assign a ministry label to the work of caregivers and assume that finances shouldn’t be part of the discussion. Well, I agree; finances shouldn’t be part of the discussion; it should already be handled and dealt with.
I’ve had those same well intentioned types of people and even pastors suggest (some openly say) that my work is a ministry and that I shouldn’t be focused on the financial realities of my work. The graduate program from which I received my doctorate made it a clear point that all their graduates should seek non-profit work. When I finished school I felt guilty (at first) that I had to charge a fee for my services. I went to work for a for-profit company.
Currently, in addition to managing my professional practice I also run a non-profit organization, “The Foundation for the Underserved.” I can tell you that in a non-profit ministry finances are always an issue. The offerings are just taken differently.
Now, when I sense the non-profit “ministry” attitude from people, I fess-up and say, “We are a ministry; we just take up our offerings differently.” You’d be surprised to know how many “Christian clients” expected their therapist to pay for their therapy by reducing the service fees. I’m not talking about clients with a real financial need.
I had a friend approach me at church recently about one of the therapist I had hired. He said, “You’re taking my girl!” I responded, “You can still come to see her in the new practice.” His response, “Yeah, and pay more money!” I wanted to say, but didn’t, “That’s because you haven’t been taking care of ‘your girl’ all along.”
It has been substantiated through research that clients who don’t pay for the services they receive (even those who have a real financial need) grow at a far reduced rate, if at all. How’s that different in the church?
I have a passion for pastors and their families. I am very sensitive to the ministry demands put on them and how often the assumption is that they have no personal issues or needs. In Old Testament Israel the Levites were at the mercy of the other tribes for their financial support. More accurately, the rest of Israel was responsible to make sure the needs of the Levites were addressed. People are more likely to finance an extremely over priced Disney World ticket than to give in support of pastors. Honestly, it's ridiculous. Board members, church member, myself – do your job. A workman is worthy of his hire.
If you have a question or a topic you would like me to write about send it to me at Allen@newhopepps.org. You can also register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
One of the neatest things that I like to do is to find out about a pastor’s need that isn’t being fulfilled by the church. It’s usually a financial issue and when possible I like to fulfill that need. I grew up in a pastor’s home and I know all too well the unfulfilled needs of a pastor’s family.
One Sunday afternoon during a church’s business meeting, we were hearing the annual financial report. Yawn, yawn… After the report the treasurer opened the floor for discussion. Most of the questions and statements had to do with what the church had spent during the past year. I asked a “why hasn’t the church spent” question. When I heard the report about the pastoral staff’s compensation package there was no mention of health insurance, retirement funding, or anything addressing the “other than daily financial needs” of the pastors and their families.
I asked why the church wasn’t paying for health insurance for the pastors and their families. I received several different answers from board members, and even the senior pastor. Essentially the response was, “we simply can’t afford to pay for health insurance”. I would have pressed the point, but a “we can’t afford NOT too” discussion broke out in the congregation. I love being an instigator. The reality that our pastors had unfulfilled needs stirred the passion of that congregation. Within 4 weeks the congregational offerings went up twenty percent.
It is too easy to assign a ministry label to the work of caregivers and assume that finances shouldn’t be part of the discussion. Well, I agree; finances shouldn’t be part of the discussion; it should already be handled and dealt with.
I’ve had those same well intentioned types of people and even pastors suggest (some openly say) that my work is a ministry and that I shouldn’t be focused on the financial realities of my work. The graduate program from which I received my doctorate made it a clear point that all their graduates should seek non-profit work. When I finished school I felt guilty (at first) that I had to charge a fee for my services. I went to work for a for-profit company.
Currently, in addition to managing my professional practice I also run a non-profit organization, “The Foundation for the Underserved.” I can tell you that in a non-profit ministry finances are always an issue. The offerings are just taken differently.
Now, when I sense the non-profit “ministry” attitude from people, I fess-up and say, “We are a ministry; we just take up our offerings differently.” You’d be surprised to know how many “Christian clients” expected their therapist to pay for their therapy by reducing the service fees. I’m not talking about clients with a real financial need.
I had a friend approach me at church recently about one of the therapist I had hired. He said, “You’re taking my girl!” I responded, “You can still come to see her in the new practice.” His response, “Yeah, and pay more money!” I wanted to say, but didn’t, “That’s because you haven’t been taking care of ‘your girl’ all along.”
It has been substantiated through research that clients who don’t pay for the services they receive (even those who have a real financial need) grow at a far reduced rate, if at all. How’s that different in the church?
I have a passion for pastors and their families. I am very sensitive to the ministry demands put on them and how often the assumption is that they have no personal issues or needs. In Old Testament Israel the Levites were at the mercy of the other tribes for their financial support. More accurately, the rest of Israel was responsible to make sure the needs of the Levites were addressed. People are more likely to finance an extremely over priced Disney World ticket than to give in support of pastors. Honestly, it's ridiculous. Board members, church member, myself – do your job. A workman is worthy of his hire.
If you have a question or a topic you would like me to write about send it to me at Allen@newhopepps.org. You can also register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
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