From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
Worn out physically in his boat of despair, feeling his failure of denying Jesus as friend and savior, wanting to hide from the world; Peter knew he deserved nothing of kindness and everything of blame. He didn’t know what Jesus knew. He didn’t know that despite the fact that Peter rejected Jesus, He hadn’t rejected Peter. Jesus loved Peter through grace. When Peter deserved anything but grace, Jesus cared about and found Peter. Peter had given up on his relationship with Jesus. Jesus didn’t.
There’s a concept in relational psychology called an Attribution Error. An Attribution Error is committed when we mis-attribute our perceptions about ourselves or others. When we are considering our own behaviors and motivations we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, “Well, I meant for ‘this' to happen. I didn’t have any misguided or negative motivations when I did or said that.” When we’re judging the behaviors and intentions of others we don’t generally allow for grace, “You did that on purpose and you meant to hurt me, take from me, or manipulate me.” Attribution Errors are very active in relationship in which there is enmity between two friends or spouses. In fact it was an Attribution Error that created division between Adam & Eve and God. Either error is void of grace. If I’m protecting and denying my own faults, then how can I experience grace and acceptance? If I’m not giving you the benefit of the doubt, again I’m not allowing grace to work in our relationship.
I believe there are many ways in which our Creator imparts and works through grace. I believe that reading the Word of God with an authentic and open heart, gives God permission to work through grace in us and through us. I believe that prayer in humility allows God to love us and impart wisdom to us through Grace. I also believe that God created mankind as a relational being to be like Him in that way; so that the intentional acts of relationship might demonstrate His love and allow grace to act in our lives. You want God's grace to flow in your life? Love someone through grace.
We’ve become much more knowledgeable about boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are needed and when healthy help guide relationships. Often, though, through attribution errors we misappropriate boundaries. Boundaries are meant as a mechanism of will, in that it allows a person to say “This is how I will allow you to treat me” or “This is my understanding of our relationship”. Where we err is when we use boundaries as a means to get back at others, or as a means to stop the flow of grace in relationships.
First, boundaries work best when setup such that we remain flexible and open in a relationship, not rigid and defended in relationships. There can still be room for growth, change, and situational responses. I know I need to set boundaries in certain relationships, but that doesn’t prevent me from loosening the boundaries in situations in which the boundary may not be needed. Healthy boundaries are also open to change as growth occurs between two people. Boundaries are unhealthy when we become set in, “You treated me 'this' way, so I am always going to see you or treat you as ‘that’”.
Second, boundaries are a one way street. Boundaries, when needed and healthy, are meant to protect my will; to establish how I will allow you to treat me. These issues may impact how I treat you, but healthy boundaries are not intended to prevent me from acting in grace towards you. I may need to setup expectations and ways of acting to prevent you from hurting or manipulating me; but that doesn’t mean that I can’t love you through grace.
Take the example of Jesus’ choice and actions towards Peter. Jesus was not deceived into thinking that Peter wouldn’t hurt Jesus by his actions and choices. Jesus knew that Peter had the potential to create a serious breach in relational trust, even before Peter had done so. Jesus told Peter essentially, “Let’s not fool ourselves, Peter, I know and you know that if needed you will act based on your own needs even if it is an act against me.” Still, Jesus did not allow that reality to prevent Him from acting in grace towards Peter, even after Peter had rejected their relationship.
Translate that into friendships or marriages. Relationships, if we’re not careful, will always end up adversarial; in that we are broken and we hurt each other through our need to self-protect. We commit attribution errors towards one another; and we setup situations in which we can no longer fully trust each other. We act based on a false belief from the beginning, it isn’t possible to be in relationships and completely trust that the other person will always be there or never break our trust. It’s also impossible for grace to flow through relationships unless we are willing to love through grace. I may need to protect myself from your selfishness or bad habits, but that doesn’t prevent me from responding to you through grace.
Self-protection does not have to be about retribution. I know you will hurt me in some way, no matter your intentions or desires otherwise. Still that doesn’t prevent me from loving you before and after you have hurt me. In fact responding with healthy boundaries and acting through grace are absolutely necessary for relational growth. You and I need to know that we are accepted and wanted in a relationship. We also need to know that we can fail each other and still move forward in our relationship. It’s even possible that our relationship could become stronger through a situation in which you fail me. I could respond to you realistically by setting up boundaries and still graciously demonstrate “I still want you” and “I choose to love you through grace despite the fact that you have failed me”.
I don’t know if you’ve had Peter moments, or Paul-in-prison moments. The greatest time of relational growth has come when another person has loved you through grace, despite what you have or haven’t done. You can love those who despitefully use you. You can return grace in response to hurt. You can remain open to the other person because you choose to love them through grace.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Help Me with the Waiting
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
Striving, pushing, wanting – so much of our life is spent avoiding the very peace we desire. Who has ever really prayed, “Lord, help me with the waiting”? Being still is one of the most difficult actions to maintain. The Psalmist conveyed, “Be still and know that I am God.” I, like you, want God to act now. I want God to soothe my angst. I want answers. I want action. God wants my trust. Dang it, ask me for anything else. I’ll work as hard as I need; but don’t ask me to trust, that’s just too hard. Don’t ask me to relinquish control, not even into the hands of my omnipotent Father.
In the striving, we trip over our own efforts; let alone the fact that we get in God’s way far too often. In psychology we call this anxious ambivalence. “I want ‘it’, but I don’t have confidence in ‘it’. Yes, no, wait. Oh, I'm just not sure.”
More often we actually want peace more than we want the results of our striving. Peace does not come through striving; it doesn't come through our presciptions for God's responses. Prescribed peace is not how God works; He doesn’t act based on our plans and often not based on our anxious desires. God doesn’t respond, “Oh, you want ‘this’ and you think it will make you feel better, okay here it is…” God provides trusting peace, actions based on what He wants for you. He gives provision beyond what you think or want. God asks, in response to our striving, “When will you trust me?”
Many times the best response to striving anxiety is doing nothing. Not as in giving up, but as in giving in. I hate that answer too. A modern version of the Psalms passage could be, give in and know that I am God. If you can’t find an answer or a mechanism to soothe your angst, then likely you’re in a waiting period. Life is not all doing; in fact it’s mostly waiting. I hate that too, but I’m not God.
I know that’s wholly unsatisfying, and you want more of an answer than I’m giving. But, waiting is part of trusting. God’s timing is what’s best for you. Even God’s “No’s” are based on what’s best for you. If we can’t trust Him in the waiting and the no’s of life; He won’t entrust us with “Yes”.
Lord, I trust, help me in the waiting.
Striving, pushing, wanting – so much of our life is spent avoiding the very peace we desire. Who has ever really prayed, “Lord, help me with the waiting”? Being still is one of the most difficult actions to maintain. The Psalmist conveyed, “Be still and know that I am God.” I, like you, want God to act now. I want God to soothe my angst. I want answers. I want action. God wants my trust. Dang it, ask me for anything else. I’ll work as hard as I need; but don’t ask me to trust, that’s just too hard. Don’t ask me to relinquish control, not even into the hands of my omnipotent Father.
In the striving, we trip over our own efforts; let alone the fact that we get in God’s way far too often. In psychology we call this anxious ambivalence. “I want ‘it’, but I don’t have confidence in ‘it’. Yes, no, wait. Oh, I'm just not sure.”
More often we actually want peace more than we want the results of our striving. Peace does not come through striving; it doesn't come through our presciptions for God's responses. Prescribed peace is not how God works; He doesn’t act based on our plans and often not based on our anxious desires. God doesn’t respond, “Oh, you want ‘this’ and you think it will make you feel better, okay here it is…” God provides trusting peace, actions based on what He wants for you. He gives provision beyond what you think or want. God asks, in response to our striving, “When will you trust me?”
Many times the best response to striving anxiety is doing nothing. Not as in giving up, but as in giving in. I hate that answer too. A modern version of the Psalms passage could be, give in and know that I am God. If you can’t find an answer or a mechanism to soothe your angst, then likely you’re in a waiting period. Life is not all doing; in fact it’s mostly waiting. I hate that too, but I’m not God.
I know that’s wholly unsatisfying, and you want more of an answer than I’m giving. But, waiting is part of trusting. God’s timing is what’s best for you. Even God’s “No’s” are based on what’s best for you. If we can’t trust Him in the waiting and the no’s of life; He won’t entrust us with “Yes”.
Lord, I trust, help me in the waiting.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Trusting Grace
From http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/
"So many [years] I've trusted grace, yet I have to wonder. Just how many times did my human strength keep me from surrender? The more I learn just to lean on the cross, the more I see. When I fall, I will fall to the place where mercy reaches me. I know there's a place where arms of compassion welcome me home. Sweet mercy falls like rain; I know there's a place called grace." (Phillips, Craig, & Dean)
If you're a regular follower of my blog you've probably realized that I like expressing myself through song. When I'm in need of retreat or refreshing, I head to the basement and pull out the soundtracks. Music is a great way to express one's self even when you don't have any understanding of what's going on inside. Music is a great means to just let go.
I work with people of varying different walks of life; some are Christian, others aren't. I'm not surprised anymore, but Christian are actually the group overall who have the greatest difficulty understanding their own emotions and needs. For some it seems as if to be a good Christian one must be "strong enough" to not have emotional and relational needs. Many Christians initially have a basic fear of psychology, even when practiced through a Christian world view. Their fear, when I look beneath the rhetoric, is a fear of becoming "out-of-control", as if a psychologist can somehow push a button inside them and make them express and expose their self in ways that they fear.
Personal growth, whether spiritual, emotional, or relational, requires an ability to "let go". If you want more, need more, or are struggling without, the only path is through the unknown. And, the door to the unknown is the door of fear. More people would rather stay in their unsatisfying life than risk the journey of growth; even if there's a possibility to establish something more healthy and rewarding. Sometimes passing through the door of fear, towards something new, entails taking more responsibility for one's self; sometimes to overcome fear one has to have less control of one's self.
I train therapists and psychologists; and, one of the most common hurdles for my supervisees is to trust the process. They want to have all the answers and want to feel competent in what they're doing. Sometimes real growth requires an admission that we don't have all the answers, but that the process (if we are faithful) will lead us to what we need to accomplish. In Christianity our process is guided by grace. There is no truer compass for our well being than God’s grace.
Trusting God's grace is a journey into the unknown through the door of fear. There's no other path to "more", whether you want more in relationships, your walk with Christ, or your self-confidence. Letting go and trusting grace is essential. Your human strength won't get it done. Maybe you need to let yourself fall to a place where mercy can reach you. That place may be with a Christian therapist, a pastor, a friend, or alone; regardless that’s “the place” we all need to find. Grace, through the Holy Spirit, only has your best at heart. Yet, grace can only work if you expose yourself emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Guess what? You're no more special than any other person. You’re also no less important than any other person. Find time and a place to let go - trust grace.
You can send your questions to allen@vitalsources.org and you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
"So many [years] I've trusted grace, yet I have to wonder. Just how many times did my human strength keep me from surrender? The more I learn just to lean on the cross, the more I see. When I fall, I will fall to the place where mercy reaches me. I know there's a place where arms of compassion welcome me home. Sweet mercy falls like rain; I know there's a place called grace." (Phillips, Craig, & Dean)
If you're a regular follower of my blog you've probably realized that I like expressing myself through song. When I'm in need of retreat or refreshing, I head to the basement and pull out the soundtracks. Music is a great way to express one's self even when you don't have any understanding of what's going on inside. Music is a great means to just let go.
I work with people of varying different walks of life; some are Christian, others aren't. I'm not surprised anymore, but Christian are actually the group overall who have the greatest difficulty understanding their own emotions and needs. For some it seems as if to be a good Christian one must be "strong enough" to not have emotional and relational needs. Many Christians initially have a basic fear of psychology, even when practiced through a Christian world view. Their fear, when I look beneath the rhetoric, is a fear of becoming "out-of-control", as if a psychologist can somehow push a button inside them and make them express and expose their self in ways that they fear.
Personal growth, whether spiritual, emotional, or relational, requires an ability to "let go". If you want more, need more, or are struggling without, the only path is through the unknown. And, the door to the unknown is the door of fear. More people would rather stay in their unsatisfying life than risk the journey of growth; even if there's a possibility to establish something more healthy and rewarding. Sometimes passing through the door of fear, towards something new, entails taking more responsibility for one's self; sometimes to overcome fear one has to have less control of one's self.
I train therapists and psychologists; and, one of the most common hurdles for my supervisees is to trust the process. They want to have all the answers and want to feel competent in what they're doing. Sometimes real growth requires an admission that we don't have all the answers, but that the process (if we are faithful) will lead us to what we need to accomplish. In Christianity our process is guided by grace. There is no truer compass for our well being than God’s grace.
Trusting God's grace is a journey into the unknown through the door of fear. There's no other path to "more", whether you want more in relationships, your walk with Christ, or your self-confidence. Letting go and trusting grace is essential. Your human strength won't get it done. Maybe you need to let yourself fall to a place where mercy can reach you. That place may be with a Christian therapist, a pastor, a friend, or alone; regardless that’s “the place” we all need to find. Grace, through the Holy Spirit, only has your best at heart. Yet, grace can only work if you expose yourself emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Guess what? You're no more special than any other person. You’re also no less important than any other person. Find time and a place to let go - trust grace.
You can send your questions to allen@vitalsources.org and you can register as a follower of this blog, http://www.christianpsychologisttalk.com/, and leave a comment about what you have read.
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